Yesterday, as I was walking down the halls of my new school, I began to think of how far I’ve actually come. Not only have I traveled nearly 3000 miles from my California home to New York, but I’ve also traveled down a long, winding road from my school years. Yet, the memories of my Villalovoz years seem as close to me as the Drama Competition. I feel like that guy on your plane that goes through security with all his bags, taking up the entire aisle, and getting off to pick up another seven bags that he checked in. So far have I traveled, and so much do I carry with me. I wouldn’t recognize the me in middle school who just stayed and meditated to himself, playing chess in his off time and finding solace in mathematics. Even my freshman year of high school, I can hardly recall my mindset as I began to emerge from my social shell and enter the world of greater designs. Now, as I find myself alone in my dorm room, I’m imagining how far I have yet to travel. Where is my next destination? Am I destined to remain here, in the heart of our nation’s business capital and so close to the political capital? Or, will my path lead back home, to the most populous nation and the greatest concentration of my race/ethnicity in the country? OR, within the middle ground, do I have other places to explore? Will my journey stray beyond the Atlantic? Will I take the path less traveled by? Alas, only God can guide me through His way, and that will make all the difference. Man, it’s been a while since I’ve last posted on Tumblr….

Well, it’ll be school again on Monday. Why do these breaks come and go as if I’ve wasted every single one? Why do I feel this way? I don’t know what’s come over me these last few days, but I feel like I’ve wasted so much of my time. In everything that I’m involved in. Whether it was AcaDec or Orchestra class, I feel that I could have done more, that I needed to do more, but squandered my opportunities. Well, there’s only a short time that I have left on this coast, hopefully. Beyond May 1, I will have reached the point of no return. Not even if I wanted to. Yet, something in me almost wishes that I would stay. Part of me wants to find something to hold onto, and anchor me in this state. Something that would provide everything that I needed, all the reason that I could ever care to look for. But I’m losing hope. Looking into the last few days, there’s only a dream, not a reality. So, my ship is pointed toward the East, toward the Rising Sun. And with that sun, I hope that a new beginning will provide some of the answers that I’m looking for, in my life full of questions. And I hope that others around me can find the same type of solace in the world they’re about to enter. Because above all, I want my friends to be happy. If I wanted to do anything in high school, it was make others around me happy. Yet, I never know if I’ve made anyone truly happy. And preparing to leave Cali, I might never know. And I’ll probably carry that with me for the rest of my life. But not in a depressing way. But only to pay it forward. It wouldn’t benefit anyone if I were to just mope around and think that I haven’t made my mark upon others. Only through continuing the course can I ever hope to find an answer. Only through progress can achievements be made.

I’m conflicted. It seems like I’m always conflicted. What should I do? I’m faced with a conversation that I feel I need to have, but the outcome has never been too good. Only once has this conversation turned out well with others. And this person that I need to talk to, I feel that if it doesn’t go well, our friendship will be damaged forever. I’ve known this person for the last four years, and she’s been one of the closest friends that I’ve had. I really don’t want to do anything stupid. But I feel that not doing anything about how I feel would leave me feeling worse than I already am. When I talked to my best friend Dev, he said that the worst thing that can happen doesn’t mean the end of our friendship. But why has it seemed that way since as long as I can remember? Why am I in such doubt? Don’t I know her well enough? Or do I? Would she even consider it? Does she feel even remotely in the same ballpark? So, I’m stuck. I’m at a crossroads with two choices. Face the inevitable and hope for the best, or ignore my feelings and just enjoy what little time I have left of our presence as friends? What to do?

This is what I’ve been asking of myself for the last five weeks. What am I doing? Most of what I do eventually has no meaning. For school, anything that I propose is eventually rejected in its majority. Whatever I represent becomes meaningless. The only thing that I hope I’ve been successful in is socially, with others. I’ve slowly continued to come back to the field of relationships. And now, as an opportunity presents itself, am I ready? What am I doing? Would I lead this person through a winding path only to realize that I’m the wrong person? Could I actually hurt this person in my attempts to make her the happiest person alive? What am I doing?

In AcaDec, I’m slowly being pushed out. I’m being gradually shifted under the sands of control into a sinkhole of submission and blind obedience. But is it worth it? Should I even try to voice my opinions and struggle? Or will that just cause me to sink faster? And do people even care? So many times, people demonstrate to me that their confidence is pushing them to win this year, that Lodi is to be crushed. But, when push comes to shove, are they putting their best foot forward? Do they recognize the work behind actually winning? This is the first time that their limits have actually been tested in a program mainly recognized for their food breaks. Will they develop a work ethic? And once we do win, what are their plans then? Just go into the next competition like a wild boar? Not to even think about improving? That’s what I see as a problem. Just to beat one team and win isn’t enough anymore. It hasn’t been. What is needed is a drive to improve, to be the best you can be. Direct competition brings this aspect out more, true, but also limits your goals and expectations considerably. I won’t leave myself out of this mentality. Of course I was part of the mob obsessed with the trampling and humiliation of Lodi High School. However, it wasn’t until I actually talked to and met Jeff Palmquist that I understood what was needed to win. It wasn’t more than a congratulatory gesture or a salutation, but in his demeanor, I didn’t see a bloodthirsty coach or a radical leader, but a teacher, a shepherd that led his team on the path to self-improvement. Each and every person in Tracy High AcaDec needs to reevaluate his position in AcaDec. Why are you here? What do you want to accomplish? Are youready to undertake the work necessary to achieve those goals? But I’m digressing too much. Oh, the heck with it.

So, as to my frustration, in the actual AcaDec leadership, an internal conflict has arisen from my side of the equation. What am I to do? With the advent of a new teacher and coach that is more involved in all of the activities, what am I to do? Simply subject myself to the whims of the class/teacher/coach? Prepare my own agenda? Set myself as an equal to the teacher/coach? I’m confused. Everything that I’ve been preparing for has simply been thrown right back in my face in an instant. Even recently, with our definition of jobs and other such matters in the Constitution. Entire sections discarded. Procedures lost. Change limited. Expression also limited. But what am I to do? Am I the only one that sees anything wrong? Should I be seeing anything wrong? Should I intentionally blind myself and let others guide me?

What on Earth am I doing?

Well, this has been an eventful summer. Not as eventful as I had hoped, but there might still be a hope somewhere. Anyways, I’m hopelessly drowned with work that needs to be done. Between applying for scholarships, looking at colleges, getting ready for senior year, and preparing for AcaDec, my life is looking to be just as it has been for the past few years, and pretty much my whole life: almost devoid of friendships, except for the few at school and that are available in the minuscule gaps of free time allotted by my troubled and overloaded lifestyle. So, it seems that everything seems to be going normally: no relations, more work, some friends, more work, lost some good friends, more work, mom says to not do my best on things, more work, stuck in a feeling that can never be realized, more work, and with a recurring pattern. And I always am left with the question…who can I trust? I haven’t been able to trust my family, who seem to just go behind and support my mother, no matter how backwards she thinks. I can’t trust some of my friends, because who knows if they’ll stay friends? So, who does that leave me with? This account, another small journal, and just my own conclusions and misconceptions of the world around me. Oh, happy days….

hello, this is, as you may have guessed, my first post on tumblr. I have heard before of this site, but have only just really discovered what it is. I hope that I can continue to use this site as a way to express myself without the constrictions of twitter or facebook. not to say that these posts will be inappropriate in any sort of way, but they will be of a more personal nature. so, i hope that this will be fun!